


Evan McFreaking loses it to time travel

by Whooly_Shep



Series: Evan McFreaking loses it [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana speaks Arabic, Angst, Evan speaks Hebrew, Friendship, Groundhog Day, High School, I'll die before my, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Sucks, Jared too, M/M, Mental Illness, Moroccan Alana, Multiple times, This is my head cannon, Time Loop, Time Travel, Tree Bros, also maybe Alana speaks French, although I may be lying since I haven't even started chapter 2, and there French is the second language taught, but first everybody's gotta suffer, fight me, hc does, later we're gonna make everything okay and everybody's gonna be friends, look I hc she's from Morocco, not tooo much, only some, what did you expect? all the time loop and deh fics are like this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-01-15 12:28:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12321093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whooly_Shep/pseuds/Whooly_Shep
Summary: Evan had messed up, he'd told the truth about never having been friends with Connor to the Murphy household but he still had messed up. So when he wakes up the next day on the first day of Senior year.(Au where Evan finds himself in a timeloop on his first week of senior high after telling the truth to the Murphy family and running away. This will definitely diverge from cannon. please enjoy.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a fic, I have no idea what the update schedule will be, anyway hope you enjoy.

This was bad, this was really really bad.Those were the thoughts circling in Evan's head as he got home.  
You see, Evan had just made a mistake that was probably going to get him a ticket straight to hell.  
Cross that he was certain that's where he was heading but he had it coming, he'd been doing bad stuff for a while now.

He got home as he usually did after coming from the Murphy household directly afyer school, had a panic attack like he usually did.  
Tried and failed to order pizza, did homework and then went off to sleep.

That night he had a dream that made his heart feel like it was trying to break out of his chest.  
The worst part was that it wasn't that scary of a dream. It was just a view of a sunset. From the point of vue from the dream he was on the ground.  
He stopped dwelling on the dream's meaning after the realization hit him.  
The one that told him he didn't want to think about it because he'd have to think about that day and about what he did.

He tugged at his cast as he tried to get up and not freak out about yesterday's mistakes.  
He was really tempted to just say in bed and not go to school that day, use an excuse, any excuse, not to have to deal with people asking him about Connor,  
about the project, anything really...

Evan figured that the knowledge of his (fake) friendship with Connor had probably spread through the whole school, along with the fact that said (fake)friend had never actually been friends with him.  
Everybody would ask him questions and make him feel worse and worse for lying about someone's suicide.  
But he deserved that, after all he really did lie about Connor's suicide and everything else that came along with that lie.

As Evan's mom came into his room to get him up, all pre existing thoughts seemed to suddenly vanish as she said a simple sentence that he'd heard before.  
"Hey honey, are you excited to begin senior year?" She said, in the exact same tone, with the exact same face and emotion she'd said it a few months before.

Evan wasn't sure what was going on, did his mom have amnesia and she thought today was almost a few months ago?  
Did she just say that to cheer him up or something, to bring back the emotions of starting off a fresh new year?  
To make a positive statement like "You can always start anew"?  
That certainly wouldn't help him at all but he appreciated the effort.

Or did she find out about the lies and this was her way of punishing him?  
By reminding him of the day where everything had begun?  
No, that couldn't be it, she wasn't even enough in Evan's life to know everything to the point where she would do this to punish him.  
So she probably had amnesia.

Evan was gonna McFreaking lose it.

He hadn't been paying attention but when she said the words "Maybe you could get somebody to sign it." he knew everything wasn't right.  
After all, even though he only had one signature she knew his cast was signed.

He was about to tell her just that when he noticed something on his cast. Or lack of thereof.  
There was no name on it. No big bulging black letters to remind him of his mistakes. It was just ... blank.

Evan stopped listening to what his mom was saying when the truth of the matter hit him. Connor's signature (in unwashable crayon mind you) wasn't there anymore.  
His mom thought it back to school day. 

There were two explanations, both of them stressed him out because they both had bad repercussions that made Evan McFreaking lose it even more.

Possibility number one: He'd done it, He'd finally gone insane.  
Evan wouldn't really surprised if this was the case considering he used to be called names frequently in middle school.  
Almost all of them somehow insinuated that he was crazy or creepy or a combination of both. In the end they had both made him feel bad and still did.

Possibility number two was the crazier one but the one that made sense in a kind of "reality and space time continuum don't work that way but sure Jan".  
That possibility was that Evan had actually gone back in time to the first day of senior year. The day where he first meets Connor Murphy.  
To the day where he could stop everything he'd just done from coming into existence.

This way Evan wouldn't have to lie. Well he would but this was different.  
He would get a second chance at everything and make the day, the week, the month, perfect.  
He could avoid any awkward conversation, he could avoid being pushed by Connor Murphy and then embarrassing himself in front of his sister.

Avoid all the lying, all the deception, avoid having to tell the truth to the Murphies. But most of all, he could save Connor Murphy.

And now his mother was calling his name. He had been so lost in though that he hadn't even noticed when he'd failed to respond to her.  
That happened sometimes, not a lot but sometimes.

Evan had a hard time convincing his mother that he was fine but once he did she was off to work, leaving him to go to school on his own.

Once he go there, Evan met up with Jared just like he had before. Only this time he wasn't going to fall for the jerking off joke.  
Even if he was going crazy, he would like to enjoy anything he could get, lately things had been a bit "really" bad for him so who could blame him?

When Jared said "Did you break it jerking off to Zoey's instagram" or something like that,  
Evan thought 'Nah, if Jerking off could break arms then both of yours would be constantly broken.' But didn't say it. He would never.

Instead he said "N-no I feel out of the, out of a tree.", not even listening to Jared's monologue that he'd already heard.  
Instead he thought about how he could make everything be okay and perfect. It would surely be easy. Well that's what he thought until he remembered he can't talk to people.  
That would be a problem.

Before Evan had time to remember what happens next Jared said "Hey, Connor, loving the new look. Very school shooter chic."

"FUCK" was what Evan accidentally yelled quite loudly causing everyone in the proximity to just stare at him and oh no this is actually real life and not just some random dream or him going insane.  
He knows this because even his brain can't imitate that perfectly the feeling of hundreds of people looking at you and thinking "what?".

In his mind Evan knows that there can't be that amount of people looking at him right now, probably only 20 max.  
But Evan's mind has never been on his side and in that moment he really wishes he'd fallen harder. 

 

As soon as that thought comes he pushes it away hard to the corners of his mind where he puts things he doesn't like to think about.  
He isn't thinking about that and that's final. 

"What?" asks a seemingly confused and amused Connor.

Evan can't keep his words in his mouth, everything feels like a fever dream, like it's not real, like nothing matters, like he could just do anything and it would hold no meaning. Considering he lied to an entire family and thousands of people on the internet, only for all of that to be undone, he's probably justified to feel that way. Except he's not really because he's the one who lied.

With those thoughts, he yells (without meaning to) "Shut up Jared that's not funny". Then he starts blushing bright red and runs away to first class while everybody watches him.

Well... that could have gone better. A lot worse but a lot better too. Oh well, he was probably dead anyway so might as well act as if this was his last day on earth.  
While running away he sees Alana Beck and sends a quick 'hey Alana' her way with a wave of his shaking (trembling really hard) hand.


	2. Chapter 2

Going to class is easy.   
Well it's easier than whatever Evan was doing before because honestly, when you go to class at least you don't have to think about Connor Murphy and everything you've done wrong.   
Well... you do but that's only because of your brain and not because you're actually face to face with him.

So as Evan is having a small attack he gets to his first class and just drones through it.  
It's a math class and usually those ones are important but this is the first day of school so nothing is being taught and the teachers are just introducing themselves.   
Also, Evan has already been through this class so it's not as if it what's being said in front matters.   
He's already lived this so he knows what's happening right now in front and what's going to happen.

A guy's going to throw a paper plane at the teacher but his throw curve is going to be too wide so it's just going to hit the blackboard behind the teacher and then fall to the ground.   
The teacher will send the student to the principal's office and that's pretty much all Evan could recall happening in that class because the rest was basic stuff.

Evan needed to figure out what he was going to do and honestly everything was becoming too much. What are you meant to do after everything that happened?   
Evan knew he needed to save Connor somehow but how? The first time Evan's letter had been the catalyst to the whole thing.   
So maybe if he changed it, somehow, he could stop everything from happening and not have such a bad time like last time.   
Although what happened last time was entirely his fault.

'Maybe I could just say something like "hey these letters suck and don't help and there's this guy I kinda wanna be friends with and Jared's an asshole who doesn't even consider me a friend"' Evan thought.   
Really could it be that easy?

Probably not.

Evan spent the rest of the day milling through every class and then lunch.   
When it was finally time to go write his letter he had a small attack and then headed to the computer lab.

'Dear Evan Hansen,  
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all but you already knew that.   
This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?  
I know, because nothing been going right for a while now, and all my hope are pinned on making friends with Connor, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t even know me.   
Maybe if I could just talk to him.  
Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.  
I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone.   
I also wish that I didn't have the obligation to write these for therapy but hey even if these aren't helping at least I'm somewhat trying.   
Even if it doesn't even feel like I'm doing anything that matters at all.  
Sincerely,  
Your most best, and dearest friend, Me, Evan Hansen.'

Evan made sure to change the Zoey parts and put his name at the end of the letter so that even if things ended up going wrong again and Connor took the letter with him, nobody would think what they thought last time about the letter being from Connor and also it being his last words.

He also put that he wanted to be friends with Connor because hey, he actually did.   
Not that Evan thought he could ever look at Connor without feeling like jumping off the school roof.   
But hey, that's what happens when you do all those things that Evan did, right?

Soon after Evan hit the print button on his letter he spotted Connor in the computer lab.   
The first time around Evan hadn't even seen him come in and this second time was no exception.

"Hey, sorry about what Jared said earlier, he can be a real jerk for no reason sometime." Evan said to Connor going off on a whim that saying that could probably only help his situation.

"It's okay, honestly I was more startled by your very loud 'fuck'. What was up with that anyway?" Connor asked a ghost of a smile on his face.

"Oh, it's just that I wanted to tell Jared to shut up because what he said to you was kinda mean and at the same time the anxiety(tm) was telling me that everyone would just look at me and that was too much so brain decided to die and scream fuck."Evan answered.

Connor looked at him for second, like he was surveying the other human being in front of him.   
Then asked a question Evan didn't, cross that, never wanted to answer, honestly.  
"So, how did you break you arm?" he asked.

 

After a small moment of silence, Evan answered without a shaking voice but rather a numb one "I feel from a tree I was climbing".   
Evan was kind of proud of himself for not breaking down right there and there.

"Wow that sucks" he answered, and honestly he didn't know the half of it but Evan figured he wasn't here for his problems, he was here for Connor's and indirectly his too.   
So he would do whatever it took to make Connor be okay and get through this week.

"Nobody's signed it." Connor unknowingly repeated while he signed to Evan's cast.  
"Yeah, nobody wanted to sign it, do you want to? Obliged to but you can if you want, sorry if this is awkward." Evan answered, slightly realizing that this wasn't a dream because his dreams aren't this real.

"Sure, and then we can both pretend we have friends." Connor answered slightly smiling.

"What's this?" Connor said picking up Evan letter from the printer. Only this time he wouldn't get angry at Evan.   
At least he shouldn't. Evan hoped he wouldn't because last time he got angry at Evan he committed suicide.

"Dear Evan Hansen, turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all but..." Connor read out loud before starting reading in his mind.

"Could you please give that back? I Ne-eeed those for therapy." Evan said and wow his stuttering is back.   
The shock of time travelling must have worn off and left a mumbling Evan in it's wake.   
That's okay, being slightly confident made Evan's inside's feel bad and wrong.

"Is this a joke?" Connor asked and honestly, Evan was wondering that too because he was the one who had just time travelled to stop a boy from Offing himself.   
But that's not the problem he needed to focus on.   
Connor thought this was a joke and Evan needed to convince him otherwise.

"N-no, why would I do that? This is just a therapy assignment where you have to make a letter to yourself say- saying things. Although I think they're meant to be positive but mine probably didn't follow the point." Evan said in a somewhat quicker pace then usual with his voice slightly too high.

"You go to therapy? Why?" Connor asked as if to acknowledge that Evan might not have been lying and to change the subject. Although he didn't that smoothly.

"I- I have anxiety and some other stuff and rea-really my mind is messed up and oh yeah I have like no friends and yeah I'm j just going to stop talking now." Evan said realizing he probably said too much.   
But hey you're talking to the boy who's going to commit suicide later this week by your fault and you've kind of already lived this so really that puts things a bit in perspective.

"Isn't that bullshit though, like don't you have that Jerk Kleinman as a friend or whatever?" Connor asked going for his mistrusting look again although now he also seemed to have a hint of pity through all his glare.

"He's not really my friend. Like- like he says stuff to me all the time about how he just-t hangs out with me because his mom is forcing him to kee -keep his car insurance or something.  
Also he makes it a point to say that I'm just a family friend and not one of his actual friends." Evan felt kind of good talking about this but that feeling vanished as soon as he saw that Connor had a frown on his face.

"What kind of bullshit friendship is that?" he asked sounding a bit angry which didn't really make sense to Evan.

"The only one I have and have had for the last few years of my life." Evan answered without stuttering which was a small victory in itself.

"Well maybe you could have two friends instead of just one shitty friend." Connor said to Evan in what seemed to be a hopeful tone.

"What do you mean?" Evan asked because his brain wires were fried for the day and processing information wasn't going to happen anytime soon so everything kind of needed to be explained to him in simple manners.

"I'm asking if you want to be friends" Connor said.

"Oh ye-yes, yeah, sure. What do friends do together?" Evan asked. Genuinely not knowing what it is normal friends do.   
Maybe they went to eat ice cream? Scratch that, they wouldn't go for ice cream, they wouldn't even go near any ice cream shops.   
Especially À la mode.

"I don't know much about friendships and what you're meant to do when you actually have a friend but you can come hang out at my house if you want." Connor said smiling ever so slightly.

"Su-sure." Evan said knowing full well that things would go bad. He'd heard from the Murphys in the original timeline how dinner went.   
He also knew that being back there would mean facing everything in a metaphorical kind of way. But he wasn't about to ruin his friendship with Connor this early just because of how he felt.   
So he headed to class and then after school, met with Connor to go to the Murphy household.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to post I just didn't feel like doing it until I really understood what I wanted to do with this sroty and also I'm a lazy shit so that didn't help. anyway hope you enjoy.

Connor’s car smelled a bit. Evan wasn’t able to tell what it was. Then again every car gets a distinct smell after a while. He was now in Connor’s car, heading to the Murphy household and hoping that everything would go smoothly. Of course it wouldn’t, Evan knew that but he didn’t want to think about that. Evan always had a tendency to just avoid everything that made him feel bad until it was too late and things were too out of control to be able to go back and change the situation.

Really, if what had happened with Connor hadn’t been enough of a sign that Evan could absolutely not deal with things until it was too late, then involving himself in Connor’s life again was probably the metaphorical big mcfreaking flashing sign that he was messed up. Of course Evan wanted to change things this time. Even if this « time » wasn’t real. Evan really doubted he was alive right now.   
But that was an issue for later.

Right now Evan’s was getting Connor to not commit suicide because he would probably try again. He reasoned that if all it took last time was a slight misunderstanding from a letter to set him off, he was probably unstable like Evan. Although not was unstable. Nobody could be as sick as Evan.

They stepped into the house and Connor said “Welcome to mi casa and all that. Try not to break anything.” He went into the kitchen and not knowing what to do, Evan followed him.

Connor was taking orange juice out of the fridge, next to him Evan was just fidgeting with slight anxiety. Really he should’ve thought of what he would say or do in advance because right now Evan was living in an awkward silence waiting for not real Connor to say something.

Evan still understood that he was probably still just dreaming all of this. Even after all the things that happened earlier now that he’s calmed down he feels like nothing is real again. Or maybe he’s the one that’s not real. Maybe instead of thinking he’s dreaming all of this he should think that he died somehow and now. Well now he’s something but at the same time he isn’t. The thought makes him feel even more uneasy and makes him fidget more.

“Want a glass of O.J?” Connor asks. Because of course he’s going to ask a question and expect Evan To respond like a normal human being.

“Uhh, yeah, thanks” Evan responded, somehow managing to sound even more awkward than he ever had, and he once had had to explain how he lied about Connor’s suicide.

“Dude are you alright? You’re being very... twitchy.” Connor said looking at Evan like one does when they see something weird.

“Y-yye yeah sorry, I just had a bad day a and stuff.” Evan responded a bit to quick. Of course he couldn’t converse normally he was Evan Hansen master of awkwardness and well lies. Nothing good came out of being friends with him.

“S’alright, I’ve had a shit day too so hey we’re even.” Connor answered Evan, laughing slightly. Evan himself couldn’t find it in himself to laugh at that. All he could do was answer with a weak yeah.

“No but seriously are you good? Because that letter from earlier look a lot like something I would write which isn’t a good thing let me tell you that.” Evan says giving a look of pity that Evan doesn’t want.

Evan thinks for a bit before answering.“Yeah, y-yeah. I just nee- I just need to calm down for a second.”

Connor looks at him again with a slightly pitying look and it makes Evan’s stomach churn with guilt. He knows he doesn’t deserve that look, he knows he’s horrible, but most of all he knows the world would be better of if he’d died falling from that tree.

Really, if he’d died then then there wouldn’t be the need to save Connor because he’s the reason tries to end his life in the first place.

But even with that knowledge Evan keeps pushing through, because that’s what he does, he pushes and pushes and goes farther and farther until he reaches a place where he shouldn’t be.   
Until he’s gone so far that he can’t go back down the way he came from.

“It’s not poisoned you know.”said Connor bringing Evan out of his thoughts.

Evan realizes he’s been staring at his orange juice while thinking for longer than anyone in their right mind does.

He needs to drink the juice now before he makes himself seem any weirder. He needs to have a normal conversation with Connor before it’s too late and Connor decides he wants Evan to leave.

But most of all Evan needs to calm down because if he doesn’t he’s going to mess up. So with that he grounds himself and tries to make conversation with Connor while he hears the click of the front door opening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, next chapter should be better and sooner, hope you enjoyed hand here's a link to my tumblr  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/whooly-shep

**Author's Note:**

> So anyway, hope you enjoyed this, here's my tumblr where I might post some more stuff https://www.tumblr.com/blog/whooly-shep .


End file.
